I still don’t know what’s wrong with my poor sick desktop computer, but I finally have my laptop connected to my home Internet connection. Apparently (in the tradition of holiday specials), I didn’t need to go on my long quest; it had the power to do this all along. (No word on why the ruby slippers didn’t work previously. Heck, maybe I didn’t plug the ethernet cable in well enough.)
Anyway, I’m just grateful this is working. Yay!